Woods: "I See Unathletic, Obese People"

Your name is Tiger Woods. And you play golf.

For a living.

Everyone considers Woods to be one of the great Athletes of our time. But do you know the story of Atul Behmani? Atul "Hands of God" Behmani is the greatest Patty Cake champion who ever lived. If you combined Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan, and Pele one would only begin to scratch the surface of her dominance in the professional Patty Cake tour.

She was a child prodigy from Laos, besting local Cakers from the age of five. Her parents immigrated to Brooklyn where, as an amateur, she won several U.S. sectional championships. In 1972 she entered the U.S. Patty Cake invitational and stormed through the field on her way to a "Golden Hand", the term for a perfect 27-0 score (meaning she never lost a hand of cake during five rounds of competition).

Atul Behmani, age 3, at an exhibition in Laos, toying with an NGO worker.

Behmani easily defeated the best Cakers of her time. The Russian, Vladimir "Iron Hands" Rubenstein and Florence "Key Lime Pie" Jackson. From 1973-1995 she compiled a record of 1,456-3-0, including an astounding 876 match winning streak. She won 58 grand slam tournaments, including 15 seasons where she swept all four major tournaments (African, French, British, U.S. Open) in the same calendar year. She was the number one Caker in the world for 23 consecutive years before retiring from the sport at the tender age of 29. Her last tournament was the '95 U.S. Open in a legendary match up against the bad-boy of Cake, the American, Heddy "Hairy Palms" Ecklund. Behmani by that point, slowed by osteoarthritis and callouses, was far from her prime. But in a stirring performance that lasted seven hours, she outdueled Ecklund to pull out a gutty win, 21-20 in the final frame. A match that experts regard as one of the great Patty matches in the sports' history.

She revolutionized the sport itself and developed a hand speed so quick she set the Guinness World Record with 976 handclaps in 60 seconds. In 1982 after suffering a freak paper cut accident she developed the devastating One Arm Patty Clap technique, which inspired the dramatic closing scene of The Matrix.









The great tragedy is the lack of recognition she received for her sport. Unlike Woods, she was never considered an athlete even though the typical Patty Caker burns as many calories flinging her hands for several hours as Ernie Els does over 18 holes. The skills required of the professional Caker are as intricate as those of the golf swing, requiring flexibility, dexterity, and strength of the elbows, wrists, and hands.

Across three decades Behmani dominated all of her chief rivals. But her competition has never been regarded with the same degree of seriousness as the best of Tiger Woods' challengers. Professional athletes like John Daly (pictured below), Phil Mickleson, or VJ Singh.

John Daly (top), professional drunkard, golfer and, let's be honest, Tiger Woods' only talented rival after two shots and a lil' Captain. Craig Stadler (bottom) knows how to find the best all-you-can-eat buffet in every U.S. city with his one functional nasal passage tied behind his sphincter.

Many debate the merit of golf. Whether it is a real sport or simply a game. But golf is a sport. A sport, like Patty Caking, where small pre-teen girls can beat much older male competitors and a blind woman can slap a hole in one.

So while Woods receives accolades for ruling his game, let us not forget the Lady from Laos who dominated the Patty Cake universe like no other.