Words for Barry: Playuh to Playuh. Pimp to Pimp

You're Barry O and you have an important debate in Philly coming up.

Problem: You're too smart for this job. Seriously. Intelligent people don't actually become President. They're too bright to aspire to such dreary feats. Now you have to pretend like you care about bowling and quail hunting and deep sea fishing.

Solution: Well, you got yourself into this mess. Dumb yourself up a little bit. Stop equivocating all the time. Stop stuttering all the time. Or else middle America will think you're one of those guys who actually contemplates deeper meanings and such.

Problem: You feel compelled to keep explaining yourself over and over. Just because you have an extensive intellectual background (allegedly) doesn't mean you should feel compelled to share it. You know, the whole why use ten words when you could use five model.

Solution: Start using Reagan's "Well, there you go again." And really sell the comma as a pause. Imperceptibly shake your head in mock derision.

Problem: For godsakes man, put on a damn flag pin. I mean, yeah, I get it (I'm with you on that one). But you're running as a corporate stooge, why would you pick that particular issue to take a stand on? You don't openly care much about poverty or impeaching the Prez or committing to ending the occupation. But the flag pin issue: Oh! Now that's where you feel compelled to take a stand.

Solution: Remember Homey The Clown? Dance for the man until you get elected, then AFTERWARDS you can slap people around and indignantly tell them, There are gonna be some changes up in this piece.

Problem: You're always going to end up finding a way to tick someone, somewhere off. You could win the Nobel Peace prize and Faux News will find some way to disparage you. You can unite independents and conservatives, but you'll still piss off your progressive brethren. White people will love you, and there will be a strong contingent of blacks who'll resent you for it. Appear black and you scare away the Starbucks voters.

Solution: Deal. You're a politician and it's your job to appease everyone and kiss everyone's ass. The price you pay for the life you live.